


its not a question but a lesson learned in time

by TheLittleTrashCat



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Being an Idiot, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Mess, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders-centric, Crying, Deceit Sanders Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Guilt, Hugs, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Self-Hatred, Spoilers for Putting Others First, Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, i have sO MANY FEELINGS, like a lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23961718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLittleTrashCat/pseuds/TheLittleTrashCat
Summary: Roman, Patton, and Deceit have a conversation.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders & Deceit Sanders
Comments: 30
Kudos: 226





	its not a question but a lesson learned in time

**Author's Note:**

> dont read if you havent watched 'Putting Others First | Selfishness vs. Selflessness Redux' there will be a ton of spoilers!!
> 
> also there is a lot of swearing in this fyi, roman has a potty mouth
> 
> title from 'Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)' by Greenday

Roman fucked up.

Oh, he had fucked up.

He knew it. Even as the words came out of his mouth he knew they were wrong, knew that they weren't okay but he couldn't go back on himself, couldn't just twist himself around like Deceit twisted the truth-

Roman's legs began to shake. He couldn't just- he couldn't just blame it all on Deceit- or Janus, as it was. He was...he just wanted the best for Thomas. And, so did Roman, but Roman, he had gone about it all wrong. He had been such a _dick_ to Deceit- Janus and making fun of his name was a low, low blow and he was such a _jerk-_

Roman's legs gave out beneath him and he collapsed to the floor of his room into a pathetic pile, a paralyzing weight settling itself on his chest as his heart started to race. He had gone about it all wrong and he had been wrong and-

Janus (and god it was so weird to think about him using his name) was right, he had been acting so wrong and bad and- he wasn't as good as he wanted to be, was he? He thought- he thought he was a hero but he- he had just proved that he wasn't and he had acted just like his brother. The other's were right and all he had been doing was desperately clinging to the idea that Deceit - Janus- was bad. Was wrong. Was the bad guy. 

Roman dug his fingers into his arms, nails cutting crescent shapes into them. He had been so convinced that Deceit was the bad guy, that D- Janus was trying to manipulate Thomas and Patton to- 

To what? Roman hugged his arms to his chest as he pulled his knees up, digging his nails into his arms further as his heart started to pound more. His views felt frozen in- god, what, fear? Fear that he had been wrong? Was he really so narcissistic that he couldn't accept that he had been wrong? Was _he_ the bad guy?

Of course he was, Roman realized. D- Janus had been so _right_ and he had been-

Roman had been so angry and upset that his beliefs had been rightfully argued against and he was so upset because-

Janus- no, he didn't even deserve to use his name after he had so easily disregarded it- had finally been listened to. He had been so convinced that Deceit was evil and seeing him be accepted and _listened to_ like Roman had been trying to have happen to _him_ when he was supposed to be the villain and Roman the hero and what kind of hero laughed at someone's name? What kind of person was he if he was so reluctant to let go of the idea that Deceit was evil? He had- he been such a _stuck up jerk-_

Roman had tried his best to compromise with the others. He had tried his best to not be as much of a jerk as had been, done his best to not be so...bad. He had tried his best in the episode to not be a jerk to Patton. He had always tried to be nice to Patton. He always tried to do what Patton wanted and agree with him because Patton was Morality so he knew what was good and Roman was supposed to be the _good_ twin and the hero and being good meant he was accepted and loved. 

And Roman, he had sacrificed going to the callback because it was the right thing to do, and Patton had praised him for making that decision and then he…he had been wrong in doing that. It- Deceit had said it was the bravest and most selfless thing he had done but Roman time and time again had done his best to apologize when he realized he was in the wrong and comprise and shove his feelings to the side and the one time, the one time he had tried to admit how he had been feeling recently he was shot down. The stupidest thing he had said?

Deceit had manipulated him and betrayed his gullible trust so maybe his feelings towards him were valid but making fun of his _name_ when he was his _most vulnerable state-_

He had gone too far. He had gone way, way too far. Even if he _did_ have a right to be upset that wasn't even in the _realm_ of something that was okay to do. Deceit had been so vulnerable in that moment, he had let his guard completely down and Roman had- he had _laughed._ He had crossed a line that he _knew_ shouldn't have been crossed and he had proved to everyone that he wasn't as good as he acted like he was.

Roman knew he didn't have _any_ right to behave in such an unacceptable way. He didn't have a right to make fun of him for something as personal as his name.

And he didn't have any right to be so upset right now. 

He had fucked up. The guilt was heavy on his chest and it hurt like a steel knife in his windpipe. Why did he feel so bad? He shouldn't be shaking with barely repressed tears and choking on sobs right now, shouldn't be curled into a ball on his floor. He shouldn't be crying. 

Roman had always tried to be a hero, but- when Thomas had said Roman was still his hero Deceit had _nodded._ Which meant that Thomas had been-

Roman swallowed painfully, feeling himself start to tremble. It meant that Thomas had been lying. 

And when he had made fun of Janus name, that was Roman realized that he was more alone than he had ever been. They had all been looking at him with shock and anger and they were- well - right. They were right to be angry with him. They should be.

Suddenly, a faint _swoosh_ interrupted his thoughts as it echoed out through his otherwise silent room. Roman froze, heart skipping a beat. Oh god. Who was- why would anyone be here? Shouldn't they be making sure Deceit was okay after Roman stabbed him right in the throat when he had intentionally exposed it to show he was trustworthy?

"Roman?" Patton asked softly, and he squeezed his eyes shut, not daring to lift his head from where it rested on his knees. Of course Patton would come after him, that's what he _did._ He was nice, unlike Roman, who had royally fucked up in a monumental way that he didn't think he could go back on.

"Oh, Roman," Patton said, and he heard the sound of fabric shifting. "What...what's wrong?"

Roman tightened his grip on his arms. "Nothing," he muttered, forcing his voice to remain even and carefully blank. Because- he didn't have a right to upset. Deceit had been completely right but he was just- too prideful to admit he was wrong, wasn't he? 

"No, something's clearly wrong," Patton said. "You don't need to pretend like everything is okay."

"Don't I?" Roman mummered, regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. His throat was so tight it hurt, and he felt tears start to burn at the back of his eyes. He couldn't cry, he didn't deserve to. And Patton was going to be concerned because that was who he was.

"No, you don't," Patton said, and Roman jumped as a hand was placed on his knee, barely forcing down a sob at the warmth of his hand. "Roman, you...we both messed up today. I'm not going to sugar coat it. But like Janus said-" Roman stiffened at the mention of Deceit as memories of what had happened only minutes before rushed into his mind. "- we can't push our mental health away to the side until we break down. I...I think we both learned that today," Patton said quietly. 

"I…" Roman couldn't choke back the small sob that managed to escape past his lips.

"Roman," Patton said, so softly and gently and he should be treating him so nice like he was some sort of- _hero._ "What's wrong?"

"I fucked up," Roman admitted miserably. He tightened his grip impossibly more, feeling himself start to shake. "I fucked so badly, I-"

Patton's grip on his knee increased slightly. "I know. But...that doesn't make you completely irredeemable. It just shows that you aren't perfect, and that you're, well...human."

"But I was such as dick!" Roman protested. "I laughed at his _name-"_ Roman's voice wavered and he bit down on his tongue to stop himself from breaking down completely. He couldn't- he couldn't be weak. He _couldn't._

"You did," Patton said immediately. "But, you didn't _really_ mean it...right?"

Roman hated how Patton had to ask. He had how he presented himself as someone who might intentionally want to hurt others. He hated it. But it wasn't wrong for them to think that, was it? Roman was known for scathing insults. It was his fault for all of this.

"No," Roman said eventually. "I didn't. But I- I still _said_ it."

"Well, we were having a...pretty intense moment, so you lashed out-" Patton tried to say, and Roman's knuckles turned white.

"That still doesn't make it okay!" Roman snapped, finally lifting his head to glare at Patton. Patton's hand retracted from his knee immediately like he had been singed. "I don't know what you're trying to do here but- you don't have to be here," he said, lowering his head again, feeling suddenly tired after his small outburst.

"Roman, I'm here to make sure you're okay," Patton said hesitantly.

"Well, he clearly is not," a new voice said, and Roman's heart stopped, fear freezing his veins. Because that was- what was _he doing here?!_

"I can see that," Patton muttered.

Oh, god. Why was Janus here? To scold him for his behavior? Because he wouldn't be wrong to do so, he deserved it, but Patton was here so would they both be doing it? 

"Roman," Janus began, and Roman stiffened, preparing himself for what was coming next. "Why...why did you laugh?"

Fuck. 

Fuck, Deceit sounded so- so genuinely hurt and small and it was all it fault, what kind of hero was he if hurt other people _so much_. 

"I…." How the fuck was he supposed to explain himself? What reason could he possibly have for being such an inconsiderate _jerk?_

"I don't know," Roman admitted quietly, so quietly he wasn't even sure if they had heard him. "I just- I was- I was upset and I- I lashed out and I know I shouldn't have said that but I did and- _I'm so sorry,"_ he whispered brokenly. 

"Kiddo…" Patton trailed off, probably not knowing what to say. It wasn't a very good apology, so that was probably why but it still hurt. Everything hurt. _He_ hurt and he didn't know _why_.

"I...I'm sorry too," Deceit- Janus said, prompting Roman to whip his head up in shock.

"What?" Roman asked disbelievingly. "But- you- _I_ was the one who laughed at your name, what do you possibly have to apologize for-"

"Wjat you said was unacceptable," Janus interrupted sharply, and Roman flinched, lowering his gaze to the ground, "But, It was also...understandable."

Roman stared at him. "What do yo-?"

Janus didn't give him time to speak, instead plowing right over him. "The way I acted towards you in the past was...also not okay. You were scolded for listening to me, and now you have been scolded for not listening to me. And that is very confusing and contradictory, so I'd imagine you were very stressed. People, when they feel attacked, use self defense mechanisms, and in this case, yours is...lashing out."

"That's not the only reason," Roman found himself muttering despite how much he wanted to agree with them so he wouldn't have to explain why he felt so shitty, wouldn't have to give his pathetic reasoning as to why he was being so dramatic. 

"What?" Janus asked, sounding caught off guard by his statement. 

"That's not the only reason I was stressed," Roman repeated, louder this time, feeling himself start to tremble again.

"Well...why were you stressed?" Patton asked.

"Because-" Roman had to pause to draw in a shuddering breath, desperately fighting back tears. "I just- I've always tried to do my best be _good_ and do good and, Patton, you're Morality, so of course you would know what's good or bad and I- I try my best to do what you say is good but now I learn that you've been wrong sometimes and I- I'm supposed to be the _good_ twin but what if you were wrong about that and Remus and Janus have gotten you guys to listen to them so easily and I've been trying to do that for so long and if I'm the bad twin then your all going to hate me and I-" Roman sobbed, shaking like a leaf. "And I want to be a hero to you guys for so bad but I know I'm not and Thomas was just lying to make me feel better and Janus proved it and I know you guys don't really love me because I'm such a fuck up and I'm _so sorry-"_

Hands cupped Roman's cheeks, startling him into cutting off his probably incoherent rambling. Roman hiccuped, quickly losing the battle to keep his sobs contained. 

"Roman," Patton said, softly but firmly in a way that was gentle but wouldn't take no for an answer, "Look at me."

Roman didn't want to. His breath was stuttering in breathy gasps and tears burned as they slipped out of his eyes and he felt so vulnerable and exposed and- god was this how Janus felt? And he had just _laughed_ at him because he was such a _dick._

"Roman," Patton said again, and Roman slowly lifted his gaze to make eye contact. Patton's eyes shone with an emotion that he didn't have time or the strength to identify because he wasn't able to look Patton directly in the eyes for more than a second and was left staring at the lower part of his face, feeling his face burn in shame because he was being so pathetic. 

"Roman, we do love you, you know," Patton whispered softly.

Roman shook his head. "I- you-"

"We do," Patton insisted quietly, gently brushing a tear from his cheek. Roman sobbed again, feeling his chest tighten.

"You aren't a fuck up, either," Janus added, placing a hand on his shoulder. "When I nodded at you I was trying to tell you that Thomas _wasn't_ lying, and that you _were_ still a hero to him, not the other way around. And, yes, you laughing at my name hurt, and I don't think I'll be able to forget that sting for a while, but I know you didn't mean it. And, I forgive you."

Roman blinked at him, a fresh wave of sobs overtaking him. "Wh- why?" he managed to ask, vision blurred. Patton's hands slipped from his cheeks, and he already missed their warmth. 

"Well, It's like you said," Janus began, and Roman felt dread curl in his stomach. What he had said? He had said so much nonsense, what could he have possibly said that was good? Janus' face had softened from how determined it had been earlier, and Roman didn't know _why._

"People make bad choices when they're mad, or scared, or stressed. But.." Janus gave Roman a small but warm smile. "Throw a little love their way, and they'll show you their best."

Roman stared at them, feeling hope start to stir in his chest. Did...were they serious? Did they actually, truly care about him despite how he had acted?

Patton opened his arms, a soft, sad smile on his face. "C'mere, kiddo," he said softly.

Roman dove into Patton's arms without hesitation, desperately clinging to him as sobs tore themselves from his throat, violently racking his body as he shook like the picture frames on the wall of a house during an unexpected earthquake. Patton's hand gently carded through his hair as Roman buried his face into the space between his neck and shoulder, hands clutching at the fabric of his shirt. A second pair of arms slid around him and a weight settled against his back and Roman felt like he was dying, and he could hear them murmuring gentle words to him but he couldn't make them out over the thudding of his heart and the ache in his lungs. It felt like he was dying, burning up from the inside out.

Roman cried, and sobbed, and let his tears grt soaked up by Patton's shirt until he had run out of tears to shed and was only sobbing, small, broken noises. Eventually, that faded out and he was left feeling like a weight he hadn't known was there was lifted from his chest. He also felt ashamed and more than all, he felt completely and utterly exhausted. 

After a while of comfortable silence, Janus began to speak. "We still have a lot we need to talk about," he said, and Roman cringed, not wanting to have to explain to them why he felt so bad. "But...I think it can wait for tomorrow. And, Roman, like I said...taking care of yourself isn't wrong or bad in any way."

"He's right," Patton agreed. "You don't need to be so hard on yourself, kiddo."

"Exactly my thoughts. You don't have to pretend that everything is fine and dandy when it's not. You don't have to feel guilty for feeling bad. You're human and you can feel emotions, just like everyone else. And you can make mistakes like anyone else. You don't have to be perfect. No one is," Janus said, and had Roman any tears left in him to cry, he might have. 

Because here they were, caring about him in a way he had always craved but been too scared to ask for, and comforting him even after he had messed up horribly.

"You're not okay, and that is perfectly okay," Janus said, and Patton brushed his bangs back and pressed a small kiss to his forehead almost as if to punctuate Janus'statement. 

And maybe. Maybe, just maybe. Maybe, as Roman sat resting there in Janus and Patton's arms, feeling warmth soak into his core as he was properly embraced for the first time in a long, long time, and as he was held with love and care that sent warmth and happiness into his soul, maybe he could believe that. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i had so many feels trying to write this and its now 4am but it was totally worth it


End file.
